Therianthropy: Joining Werelist and being unusually deep in catbrain.

[juushika]

I lately (finally) joined the Werelist, and I don't know what's cause or effect—if I joined because the cat stuff has been on/in my mind, or if joining and reading through old threads put it there—but however it worked, for whatever reason, I've been deep in catbrain these last few days. (Yes, I'm talking about that weird therianthropy thing again. Feel free to skip this post.) About a week's worth, to be somewhat more precise. My baseline feels shifted: I'm normally somewhere between humanbrain and catbrain, but lately have been closer to cat than usual; I'm generally inclined to shift a bit towards either pole, but with a changed baseline my shifts take me closer to cat (and not as close to human) than is usual.

Does that make any sense?

Because, you see, I'm not so much with the communication these days. As much as I love and value catbrain, it doesn't have a lot of patience or ability for things like rational thought and writing. I'm rarely so deep in it, even when fluctuating towards that pole, that thought and language make zero sense, and I've been able to eke out some time for actual, concrete concentration on human activities like reading, writing reviews, and Sims. But my concentration and logic are shot to hell, and it's all too easy to run out of resources—I use up the sum of the human thinking I can manage for the day, and all that's left is cuddle—sleep—watch movement—pettings—night crazies!—food time—more cuddlesleep. This may be a case of being careful of what you wish for, for I often lament my constant, word-oriented thought because it is so often tied to my anxieties. (Indeed, I recently wrote on it.) As such this is a valuable experience, a blessing and a freedom and a surprisingly natural state—not for me, on the last, but universally; it feels simple, it is animal. It feels real, feels right, feels like who I am meant to be. I don't know that I've ever spent so long so in touch with this aspect of myself, and I take deep joy in it. But I am so used to a word-oriented brain that the breakdown of language is most unsettling—my thoughts are not sentences but fragments, phrases, partial words; sometimes they seem more a buzz of white noise than anything, and that's, to me, alien. And so it is disconcerting, in part because it means I'm not getting as much done as I'd like, in part because it's unusual (and what is strange can often be frightening), in part because it leaves me stranded with an excess of cat in places like the library or a family vacation where such inclinations are out of place. Devon, meanwhile, as been as tolerant as one can be without quite understanding what's going on—and I don't know if it's because I've been leaning towards cat lately and so better able to appreciate it, but man cuddles/petting have been awesome as of late.

So, yes. I may not seem like I've been absent, because I've been posting reviews, but they come through force of will alone: I actually have much else in which I am remiss, but the impersonal reviews which require transcribing thought more than building it and which can be done in chunks (notes, the drafts, then polishing) rather than long blocks of coherent work have been better within my abilities, lately. If to you I do seem remiss, comments gone astray or, worse, letters gone so, now you know why! Me and my rotating door of excuses, indeed. I do believe I'm starting to come out of this strange period, however, which means more posts upcoming, including Sims chronicles, and a return to things like letter writing. So that's good, I suppose. And there's been much thoughtful stuff gleaned from the 'List, so I'm glad I finally joined up.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled flist, sans girl-that-thinks-herself-a-cat.