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Those little ways in which I miss the therian community
The other day I found myself talking to Teja about that weird cat thing/therianthropy, which is something I rarely discuss these days. A lot of the therian community focuses on self-discovery, which makes sense--it's an active, social experience that benefits from discussion and outside input/affirmation. I never went through an awakening so much as a "wait, there's a word for that?", but adopting the label came with some reflection that fit well into that dialog. I phased out of the community when the discussions stopped being beneficial and grew redundant. It's weird to be beyond the social, communicative aspect while still being firmly invested in the identity—and it's often silent.
There are only two things I still wish I had from the community: First, more discussions about domesticity/neoteny, which is the defining aspect of my therianthropy and which I rarely saw discussed (which may be why everything past Awakening 101 didn't benefit me). Second, someone to which I could say "hey bro, still a cat," and they'd say "I totally understand." All my close friends accept the weird cat thing; some identify with animals, but none identify as animals. You think that would all be close enough, but it's not; therianthropy, in my experience, is weirdly difficult to equate to other experiences or identities.
There's absolutely an aspect of projection/escapism/idealization to my therianthropy—like my appearance, which is not a part of my experience-as-cat but which I've created concepts for, for reasons of convenience and personal enjoyment. But the experience itself is in no ways a projection—and that difference strikes me afresh every time I rediscover the line between exteriority and interiority. I've picked orange fur, because I have orange hair and the color has always been a part of my avatar(/idealized and manufactured version of self), so an image like this is a representation of me:
But fur texture like this is the experience of being me, in a way less visual and conceptual, more physical and experienced and ineffable:
(I wish I could provide sources for these images, but I can no longer find them; I really only have copies saved for my personal "it me" use.)
I don't subscribe to past life experiences and don't put energy into determining the why of my therianthropy, but the best way I can find to describe it is that I have groomed that fur, that long tongue-tangling sometimes-wispy sometimes-clumped uneven texture; it's not a memory or an ideal but something approximating a lived experience. Some postures, actions, forms of communication, and behaviors (and about a billion aspects of interacting with humans) trigger that same sense of identification, of an experience I clearly have not had and yet inhabit. This is where this therianthropy shit enters the woo-woo weird territory, I admit.
Identifying with animals lacks that essential interiority; and I don't know of any sort of comparable experience to use as an analogy. I'm thankful to have people take my cat thing at face value, but I wish I had intimates that shared the experience, who wouldn't make or need imperfect comparisons, who could instead provide a "yeah, same"—both because it feels nice to have company, and to quell the lingering "but it doesn't make sense???" doubts that I will always have.
And that, I suppose, is the best conclusion I can make to this ramble.
There are only two things I still wish I had from the community: First, more discussions about domesticity/neoteny, which is the defining aspect of my therianthropy and which I rarely saw discussed (which may be why everything past Awakening 101 didn't benefit me). Second, someone to which I could say "hey bro, still a cat," and they'd say "I totally understand." All my close friends accept the weird cat thing; some identify with animals, but none identify as animals. You think that would all be close enough, but it's not; therianthropy, in my experience, is weirdly difficult to equate to other experiences or identities.
There's absolutely an aspect of projection/escapism/idealization to my therianthropy—like my appearance, which is not a part of my experience-as-cat but which I've created concepts for, for reasons of convenience and personal enjoyment. But the experience itself is in no ways a projection—and that difference strikes me afresh every time I rediscover the line between exteriority and interiority. I've picked orange fur, because I have orange hair and the color has always been a part of my avatar(/idealized and manufactured version of self), so an image like this is a representation of me:
But fur texture like this is the experience of being me, in a way less visual and conceptual, more physical and experienced and ineffable:
(I wish I could provide sources for these images, but I can no longer find them; I really only have copies saved for my personal "it me" use.)
I don't subscribe to past life experiences and don't put energy into determining the why of my therianthropy, but the best way I can find to describe it is that I have groomed that fur, that long tongue-tangling sometimes-wispy sometimes-clumped uneven texture; it's not a memory or an ideal but something approximating a lived experience. Some postures, actions, forms of communication, and behaviors (and about a billion aspects of interacting with humans) trigger that same sense of identification, of an experience I clearly have not had and yet inhabit. This is where this therianthropy shit enters the woo-woo weird territory, I admit.
Identifying with animals lacks that essential interiority; and I don't know of any sort of comparable experience to use as an analogy. I'm thankful to have people take my cat thing at face value, but I wish I had intimates that shared the experience, who wouldn't make or need imperfect comparisons, who could instead provide a "yeah, same"—both because it feels nice to have company, and to quell the lingering "but it doesn't make sense???" doubts that I will always have.
And that, I suppose, is the best conclusion I can make to this ramble.
no subject
I completely get your thoughts on projection/escapism/idealization with regards to how you feel cat-you looks. I'm the same; my feline appearance doesn't really have any bearing on me-as-cat, but I crave to know what I may have looked like in cat form. For convenience's sake and because I want to express that side of myself in everything. It's not necessary to be a therian, of course, but it feels really good when you come across an image and think "that's me!" as a cat.
I want and need some form of visual representation of cat-me.
no subject
Yeah, my feelings about this issue of actual vs manufactured image of self-as-cat haven't changed, although I have grown more ... equanimical about the whole thing. The elements which are "felt" (fur length/texture, experience with bodily traits) haven't changed at all - that's just 100% who I am, and my understanding of my cat identity has always been pretty static. The elements that I've adopted, projected, and assumed (coloration etc) also haven't changed, by my relationship with them has: just by virtue of continuing to use them, they've come to feel more natural, more innate even though they definitely aren't intrinsic. It's been productive for breaking down prejudices I had about voluntary nonhuman identities and the way that orange cat is me has been an avenue of exploring cat-as-gender, both of which I mentioned in this post. So, in my experience at least, fake it until you make it has been a viable strategy.
I have a big folder of images that I add to every year or so by scrubbing Flickr and other image sites for "long haired cat" and 'fluffy cat", etc. I use them as desktop backgrounds that randomize each day, and that sort of "it me!!!" feeling every time I sit down at my PC is affirming and grounding. And seeing what images end up in that folder is ... interesting! Insightful! A lot of fluffy orange cats, obviously, but I sometimes make a fluffy-exception for the right fur/eye color combo and more often make an orange exception for fluffy tabbies of other coloring (usually brown or calico). And the former still feels like aesthetics, and the later still feels more "real." But I love the diversity it creates, and the room it gives me to experiment with my cat-body.
no subject
I tried meditating to figure out what "real" cat fur pattern and coloration I'd have, but that didn't get me anywhere so eventually I prayed to Bast for help. And apparently, independently of her answer, my mate agrees with her about me. But I still wonder and question of they're "right".
no subject
no subject
Even if, logically, this doesn't matter or affect me-as-cat at all, I still want to be as close to "real" and accurate as I can get, you know?