HP fic recs: Nocturne for Quill and Ink and Étude: A Lesson in Voice by <user site="livejournal.com"

I just got squicked out of reading a fic when Harry Potter started snogging Gregory Goyle in order to show Draco Malfoy that two could play at this build-a-bad-threesome game. My tolerances are high. They are very, very high. But that, my friends, is too much for me. Bad enough that it was absurd. Worse that it was revolting.

Meanwhile.

In the world of much better fic, I come bearing a pair of recs: Nocturne for Quill and Ink and the sequel, Étude: A Lesson in Voice by pushdragon. Harry Potter: HP/DM, NC-17. Severely depressed Harry spends all day lost in old fantasies about Draco, in anticipation of the climactic moment of Draco's nightly homecoming.

I am, in a way, hesitant to make these recommendations because I want to keep my experience of reading them private. It was a personal and frankly terrifying experience to read them, because they strike so close to home. The details and the circumstances are unique to Harry's experience, but on a whole this is the best description of a severe depressive episode that I have read in a work of fiction. From his immobility to his self-inflicted ignorance to his dodged refusal to change, Harry's coping mechanisms (and the lack thereof) are honest, authentic, and very much parallel my own. Never have I seen an author write about depression so intimately and so honestly. To her credit, pushdragon does one better: not only does she faithfully portray depression, she also refuses to judge or to change Harry. She accepts every one of Harry's faults, even while exploring the negative effect that they have on him and his relationship. She does not make Harry emerge from the depression, blinking into the bright new light; she doesn't orchestrate a fairy-tale ending. That isn't to say that there is no change or no hope—in fact, change and hope are the precise purposes of the stories—but rather that the change and hope are ambiguous, uncertain, and incomplete. As a result, these stories are at once uplifting and depressing, and above all they are honest.

All that, and the style is strong, the characterization spot on, and the sex nuanced. The stories are skillful as well as meaningful, which makes the meaning all that much more accessible.

These were difficult pieces for me to read; I can't even imagine how they must have been to write. They create such an intimate and honest portrait that it can be a bit terrifying. I applaud pushdragon for her work, and though I want to hold these fics close to my heart, worry them and treasure them, and keep private the pieces of myself that I see within, they really are too good not to pass along. If you read any HP fic, I highly recommend this set. They are incredible. I'm glad that I stumbled across them.