Another mini-depressive downturn, what else is new?

[juushika]

Devon remarked yesterday that I may be having a bit of a downturn, and he may be right. I've been melancholy these last few days—I don't know how long, time is not my strong point, it blurs together and skips over itself, but maybe a week now—distracted and distant and, the catch-all, depressed. Difficult to make happy, discontent with myself. Other things that start with D. My dislike-of-self is making me stressed, making me feel fat and gross and ugly. I've been introverted, too—beyond my usual, I mean: the sort of introverted where seeing people I know terrifies me, but browsing books at the library does not. And quiet. And malcontent.

Nothing groundbreaking, I know, but it's a bit worse than usual and it's been hanging around for a few solid days. It's wearing on me. I don't think it's tied to pain this time (my back is meh, but it's always meh; my neck and jaw are stiff, but I think that's a product of the stress and not a cause). It's just there, uncalled for, unwarranted, because this is how my brain works.

As it's been called to my attention that this is a trend rather than a one-off weird day or bad night, I'm afraid that I've latched on to the idea that it exists to feed its existence. I think I'm unhappy so I am unhappy because after all if I'm unhappy, why try to be anything else? (And nothing else is working.)

Ah, well. Sometimes Devon makes the mistake of asking "But why aren't you feeling well?" But most of the time, and at times like these, he knows that there isn't a cause. I'm not feeling well because I'm not feeling well, I'm down because I'm down. This is one of my natural states, as innate as my hair color, so innate I forget about it until I'm reminded its so. Knowing that isn't making it any easier to cope with this time, but at least I know. At least he doesn't mind.

I'll go try to play video games now.