Back pain/mental health update, and ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
naamah_darling's My life as
Jun. 5th, 2012 05:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
juushikaI've been trying for about a week now to link to naamah_darling's My life as an essay question without writing a very familiar post about feeling less than okay.
So let's get that part out of the way: My back is still not awesome but it is, at this point, under control; I am however probably in the midst of a major depressive cycle, because it's been a few months now of feeling not so great, and even if my back instigated that it looks like it's here to stay. That's not particularly enjoyable, of course, but neither is it that big of a deal. On account of the current state of my daily life and an actual, exeunt support structure, this is a minor version of a major depressive cycle—it's worse than my usual dysthymia, but is not aggravated by external stresses and as such it really isn't that bad. My major depressive cycles usually last about six months; they used to occur in six month rhythms (six on, six off, six on again), but they're more infrequent now that my situation and thus, to the degree that it can, my mental health have improved. The only way out is through and so I'm probably going to be doing this for a while longer—and if this is the new level of my back pain, then aspects of it will be indefinite—but I'll survive.
But no matter how I phrase the thing, it's still rotten. At this point in my life it's rotten in a mild way, a manageable way, and I'm grateful for that. But it will never not be rotten, and this episode is a six month reminder of that.
So.naamah_darling writes about filling out the functionality report of her disability application. When I applied for health insurance I went through a smaller, similar version of the same thing. Talking about your health issues, putting them out there for someone to approve or disapprove (because after all, who better than a biased stranger to stamp "legitimate" across your health problems?), is painful and shameful. I don't dare apply for disability because I don't think I could survive that process and the probable results.
But more than that it's what she writes about the frankly pathetic side of being mentally ill. About the days you waste, and the way your life looks like a vacation, and the fact that none of that makes it feel one whit better. The embarrassment of what you can't do and won't do and where that leaves you. That's why I'm linking, I guess. I write too many posts about the frustration and anger about being trapped in a cycle of pain, be it mental or physical. I don't want to write one more. But this matters to me, it is me, it's how I've been feeling these last few months and so I might as well link.
naamah_darling's My life as an essay question without writing a very familiar post about feeling less than okay.So let's get that part out of the way: My back is still not awesome but it is, at this point, under control; I am however probably in the midst of a major depressive cycle, because it's been a few months now of feeling not so great, and even if my back instigated that it looks like it's here to stay. That's not particularly enjoyable, of course, but neither is it that big of a deal. On account of the current state of my daily life and an actual, exeunt support structure, this is a minor version of a major depressive cycle—it's worse than my usual dysthymia, but is not aggravated by external stresses and as such it really isn't that bad. My major depressive cycles usually last about six months; they used to occur in six month rhythms (six on, six off, six on again), but they're more infrequent now that my situation and thus, to the degree that it can, my mental health have improved. The only way out is through and so I'm probably going to be doing this for a while longer—and if this is the new level of my back pain, then aspects of it will be indefinite—but I'll survive.
But no matter how I phrase the thing, it's still rotten. At this point in my life it's rotten in a mild way, a manageable way, and I'm grateful for that. But it will never not be rotten, and this episode is a six month reminder of that.
So.
naamah_darling writes about filling out the functionality report of her disability application. When I applied for health insurance I went through a smaller, similar version of the same thing. Talking about your health issues, putting them out there for someone to approve or disapprove (because after all, who better than a biased stranger to stamp "legitimate" across your health problems?), is painful and shameful. I don't dare apply for disability because I don't think I could survive that process and the probable results.But more than that it's what she writes about the frankly pathetic side of being mentally ill. About the days you waste, and the way your life looks like a vacation, and the fact that none of that makes it feel one whit better. The embarrassment of what you can't do and won't do and where that leaves you. That's why I'm linking, I guess. I write too many posts about the frustration and anger about being trapped in a cycle of pain, be it mental or physical. I don't want to write one more. But this matters to me, it is me, it's how I've been feeling these last few months and so I might as well link.
