Juu's very bad no good terrible week.
Feb. 2nd, 2016 12:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
juushikaA week ago: While sitting up in bed, I threw out my upper back. How? with magic? a perverse force of will?? My trapezius on both sides were just gone, goodbye; everything hurt, but the worst offenders were sleep and the computer. I have a huge pain tolerance and endless experience with back pain, but it resisted every one of my treatments. (In retrospect, I should have iced it—the one thing I never do for my lower back, because it causes cramping.) What is it about a different pain that's somehow worse than chronic pain, not so much because it is worse or even more debilitating, but because these carefully honed coping mechanisms are now inapplicable. I've been dealing with my lower back for 15 years; I should either be exempt from other pain, or equipped to deal with anything. I was not. It went about 4 days without improvement, but is now back to normal anxious-person's-muscles level of ow.
A few days ago: Dee's mother's dog, Casey, died suddenly. Cut for brief discussion of pet death: It was natural/health-related, not external/injury related; sudden and untreatable, and apparently not that awful. He was an older dog with one outstanding health problem, but this still came out of the blue. This is not my immediate pain, but I still care immensely. All dogs are good dogs, but he was such a good dog, surfeit with love, content if he could just lean on you or lay against you and be touched. And so obedient, especially when I knew him and his puppyhood awful (of which I've heard horror stories!) was gone. And so engaged with his people. The loss hasn't quite registered for me, yet; but I've never been so glad that I had Thanksgiving with him and Odi. This was Casey: one, two, three, four.
Last night: Dreamed the mother of all anxiety dreams: I was back in school, living simultaneously-via-dream-logic at Devon's parents's house and in a boarding environment, and became convinced that the environment was so unhealthy and I was so stressed that I shouldn't have pets anymore, so I drowned August by luring her into a swiftly-flowing river with treats. Cut for suicidal ideation: I've consciously made August my reason for being here; I know others would be impacted if I were gone, but she is my dependent and I am her only intimate bond, and I am certain her life would change for the worse without me. I take comfort in a delayed light at the end of the tunnel, an outlet for my suicidal ideation that doesn't pose an immediate threat or need for action. But that means that my dreaming mind now connects my escape with her death, which is horrifying. I know what factors underlay all aspects of this dream; it was still singularly awful.
Tomorrow: Taking the train down to see Devon, to celebrate our 13th anniversary. (See: dreaming about his parents's house.) This is absolutely a good thing! It also bring with it "I have to leave the house" anxiety and "why do I have to travel to see him after thirteen years?" anxiety. It has been a long and strange week, an unearthly haze of blurred vision and intense pain and abstracted loss and anxiety. It will be good to make a clean break with it by traveling.
A few days ago: Dee's mother's dog, Casey, died suddenly. Cut for brief discussion of pet death: It was natural/health-related, not external/injury related; sudden and untreatable, and apparently not that awful. He was an older dog with one outstanding health problem, but this still came out of the blue. This is not my immediate pain, but I still care immensely. All dogs are good dogs, but he was such a good dog, surfeit with love, content if he could just lean on you or lay against you and be touched. And so obedient, especially when I knew him and his puppyhood awful (of which I've heard horror stories!) was gone. And so engaged with his people. The loss hasn't quite registered for me, yet; but I've never been so glad that I had Thanksgiving with him and Odi. This was Casey: one, two, three, four.
Last night: Dreamed the mother of all anxiety dreams: I was back in school, living simultaneously-via-dream-logic at Devon's parents's house and in a boarding environment, and became convinced that the environment was so unhealthy and I was so stressed that I shouldn't have pets anymore, so I drowned August by luring her into a swiftly-flowing river with treats. Cut for suicidal ideation: I've consciously made August my reason for being here; I know others would be impacted if I were gone, but she is my dependent and I am her only intimate bond, and I am certain her life would change for the worse without me. I take comfort in a delayed light at the end of the tunnel, an outlet for my suicidal ideation that doesn't pose an immediate threat or need for action. But that means that my dreaming mind now connects my escape with her death, which is horrifying. I know what factors underlay all aspects of this dream; it was still singularly awful.
Tomorrow: Taking the train down to see Devon, to celebrate our 13th anniversary. (See: dreaming about his parents's house.) This is absolutely a good thing! It also bring with it "I have to leave the house" anxiety and "why do I have to travel to see him after thirteen years?" anxiety. It has been a long and strange week, an unearthly haze of blurred vision and intense pain and abstracted loss and anxiety. It will be good to make a clean break with it by traveling.
