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juushikaThe other day I found myself talking to Teja about that weird cat thing/therianthropy, which is something I rarely discuss these days. A lot of the therian community focuses on self-discovery, which makes sense--it's an active, social experience that benefits from discussion and outside input/affirmation. I never went through an awakening so much as a "wait, there's a word for that?", but adopting the label came with some reflection that fit well into that dialog. I phased out of the community when the discussions stopped being beneficial and grew redundant. It's weird to be beyond the social, communicative aspect while still being firmly invested in the identity—and it's often silent.
There are only two things I still wish I had from the community: First, more discussions about domesticity/neoteny, which is the defining aspect of my therianthropy and which I rarely saw discussed (which may be why everything past Awakening 101 didn't benefit me). Second, someone to which I could say "hey bro, still a cat," and they'd say "I totally understand." All my close friends accept the weird cat thing; some identify with animals, but none identify as animals. You think that would all be close enough, but it's not; therianthropy, in my experience, is weirdly difficult to equate to other experiences or identities.
There's absolutely an aspect of projection/escapism/idealization to my therianthropy—like my appearance, which is not a part of my experience-as-cat but which I've created concepts for, for reasons of convenience and personal enjoyment. But the experience itself is in no ways a projection—and that difference strikes me afresh every time I rediscover the line between exteriority and interiority. I've picked orange fur, because I have orange hair and the color has always been a part of my avatar(/idealized and manufactured version of self), so an image like this is a representation of me:
But fur texture like this is the experience of being me, in a way less visual and conceptual, more physical and experienced and ineffable:
(I wish I could provide sources for these images, but I can no longer find them; I really only have copies saved for my personal "it me" use.)
I don't subscribe to past life experiences and don't put energy into determining the why of my therianthropy, but the best way I can find to describe it is that I have groomed that fur, that long tongue-tangling sometimes-wispy sometimes-clumped uneven texture; it's not a memory or an ideal but something approximating a lived experience. Some postures, actions, forms of communication, and behaviors (and about a billion aspects of interacting with humans) trigger that same sense of identification, of an experience I clearly have not had and yet inhabit. This is where this therianthropy shit enters the woo-woo weird territory, I admit.
Identifying with animals lacks that essential interiority; and I don't know of any sort of comparable experience to use as an analogy. I'm thankful to have people take my cat thing at face value, but I wish I had intimates that shared the experience, who wouldn't make or need imperfect comparisons, who could instead provide a "yeah, same"—both because it feels nice to have company, and to quell the lingering "but it doesn't make sense???" doubts that I will always have.
And that, I suppose, is the best conclusion I can make to this ramble.
There are only two things I still wish I had from the community: First, more discussions about domesticity/neoteny, which is the defining aspect of my therianthropy and which I rarely saw discussed (which may be why everything past Awakening 101 didn't benefit me). Second, someone to which I could say "hey bro, still a cat," and they'd say "I totally understand." All my close friends accept the weird cat thing; some identify with animals, but none identify as animals. You think that would all be close enough, but it's not; therianthropy, in my experience, is weirdly difficult to equate to other experiences or identities.
There's absolutely an aspect of projection/escapism/idealization to my therianthropy—like my appearance, which is not a part of my experience-as-cat but which I've created concepts for, for reasons of convenience and personal enjoyment. But the experience itself is in no ways a projection—and that difference strikes me afresh every time I rediscover the line between exteriority and interiority. I've picked orange fur, because I have orange hair and the color has always been a part of my avatar(/idealized and manufactured version of self), so an image like this is a representation of me:
But fur texture like this is the experience of being me, in a way less visual and conceptual, more physical and experienced and ineffable:
(I wish I could provide sources for these images, but I can no longer find them; I really only have copies saved for my personal "it me" use.)
I don't subscribe to past life experiences and don't put energy into determining the why of my therianthropy, but the best way I can find to describe it is that I have groomed that fur, that long tongue-tangling sometimes-wispy sometimes-clumped uneven texture; it's not a memory or an ideal but something approximating a lived experience. Some postures, actions, forms of communication, and behaviors (and about a billion aspects of interacting with humans) trigger that same sense of identification, of an experience I clearly have not had and yet inhabit. This is where this therianthropy shit enters the woo-woo weird territory, I admit.
Identifying with animals lacks that essential interiority; and I don't know of any sort of comparable experience to use as an analogy. I'm thankful to have people take my cat thing at face value, but I wish I had intimates that shared the experience, who wouldn't make or need imperfect comparisons, who could instead provide a "yeah, same"—both because it feels nice to have company, and to quell the lingering "but it doesn't make sense???" doubts that I will always have.
And that, I suppose, is the best conclusion I can make to this ramble.
