juushika

"Then began the hurry and wait. Family friends brought snack food and various things that had been forgotten in the rush; like this last month, it had a weirdly elevated social energy during an otherwise somber event."

This. Yes. It was very surreal. It was both comforting to have people around, telling stories and acting like everything was "normal" while at the same time, your Father is lying dying in a hospice bed.

My experiences with hospice were the same: clean, comfortable and peaceful.

"Dad's death came with a profound sense of relief; it has been an awful month or so, and the final few days were even worse, and I'm grateful to see his suffering end. I've tried hard to ride that emotion, to make it my primary memory of his death so that I can avoid traumatic associations."

I agree. Focusing on the fact that he's no longer suffering makes it easier to deal with than focusing on him not being here any longer. However for me, I'm still having a very hard time with it all. I'm angry (at the medical staff, the universe, etc.) and profoundly sad.

I'm very sorry for your loss, it fucking sucks. :'(