General update: uh oh still sad

[juushika]

"I told [my sister] that the second half of October is easier, once the actual death-anniversary has passed, but that doesn't feel like it's proving to be true" I said, and was right. Fantastic, quiet Hanukkah of Devon taking half-days, homemade pizza, not-great latke but picture-perfect homemade babka, and lots of time to do nothing. Christmas and New Years as an excuse to make another two rounds of pizza. Playing a lot, and I do mean a lot of Animal Crossing while catching up on Critical Role. But I feel, constantly, like low-grade shit. It makes a lot of sense that a new death in the family would turn the yearly sad time into a full-on depressive episode. But knowing that hasn't made experiencing it easier, or given me more tools to combat it. And it is a depressive episode with all the hallmarks of anhedonia (and wow does that exacerbate the food-fatigue of the pandemic) and not wanting to wake in the morning and not wanting to talk to anyone or ever be perceived; each time I discover that while I've gotten better at mitigating these things they haven't gone away, probably never will go away—I feel just so, so tired.

Thus I'm big behind on book reviews and, consequently years-end stuff. But I'm catching up and, who knows, maybe doing a best-of in early February is easier! There's less pressure to be done at/by a specific time when that time has long passed.

Devon's fine, cats are great (they got heated beds for the holidays, so actually the cats are phenomenal); still in regular contact with my sister, which is a surprise and a blessing, and she's okay; still house-hunting, but when they say winter is the slow season they really aren't kidding. I'm in a place where even the bad times are okay, on the day to day—few additional stresses; plenty to keep me occupied. All very pleasant except that I am still sad.

Anyway, I'll be dumping a lot backlog of book reviews.