General update: uh oh still sad

"I told [my sister] that the second half of October is easier, once the actual death-anniversary has passed, but that doesn't feel like it's proving to be true" I said, and was right. Fantastic, quiet Hanukkah of Devon taking half-days, homemade pizza, not-great latke but picture-perfect homemade babka, and lots of time to do nothing. Christmas and New Years as an excuse to make another two rounds of pizza. Playing a lot, and I do mean a lot of Animal Crossing while catching up on Critical Role. But I feel, constantly, like low-grade shit. It makes a lot of sense that a new death in the family would turn the yearly sad time into a full-on depressive episode. But knowing that hasn't made experiencing it easier, or given me more tools to combat it. And it is a depressive episode with all the hallmarks of anhedonia (and wow does that exacerbate the food-fatigue of the pandemic) and not wanting to wake in the morning and not wanting to talk to anyone or ever be perceived; each time I discover that while I've gotten better at mitigating these things they haven't gone away, probably never will go away—I feel just so, so tired.

Thus I'm big behind on book reviews and, consequently years-end stuff. But I'm catching up and, who knows, maybe doing a best-of in early February is easier! There's less pressure to be done at/by a specific time when that time has long passed.

Devon's fine, cats are great (they got heated beds for the holidays, so actually the cats are phenomenal); still in regular contact with my sister, which is a surprise and a blessing, and she's okay; still house-hunting, but when they say winter is the slow season they really aren't kidding. I'm in a place where even the bad times are okay, on the day to day—few additional stresses; plenty to keep me occupied. All very pleasant except that I am still sad.

Anyway, I'll be dumping a lot backlog of book reviews.

BRs: Stranger Beside Me, Rule; Paperbacks from Hell, Hendrix; Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs?, Doughty

Morbid nonfiction on audio: a collection.

There's two reasons people hate on true crime, united by the throughline of "women consume this": 1) The Ann Rule problem, these pulpy paperbacks that are easy to obtain and women/the masses like them, so they must be garbage. The Stranger Beside Me was my first Rule, and is really just so good, so nuanced, so thoughtful; it contextualized and dismissed that criticism for me. 2) The My Favorite Murder problem, where the obsessive soundbiting of true crime builds a mentality of proto-/assumed-victimhood while erasing/fetishizing the lived experience of actual victims. I binged a good bit of that same podcast while replaying Breath of the Wild and ... with copious caveats, these criticisms are more valid. Valid enough to encourage me back towards more diverse, less strictly-true-crime morbid nonfiction reading. Still on audio, though, this time to listen to while playing Animal Crossing!


Title: The Stranger Beside Me
Author: Ann Rule
Narrator: Lorelei King
Published: Simon & Schuster Audio, 2012
Rating: 4.5 of 5
Page Count: 30
Total Page Count: 379,345
Text Number: 1413
Read Because: came up a few times on My Favorite Murder and it's been on the longlist of my TBR for an age, but I couldn't find a copy until: audiobook borrowed from the Wilsonville Public Library! the Portland library only has the abridged version (3 hours! versus 18:30!)
Review: Rule had the unique and unenviable position of writing about Ted Bundy's crimes and trials from the position of his friend. It's perforce a study of serial killer pathology, of Bundy as a complete person: his youthful insecurities, his capacity to grow and adapt, his friendship, his fundamental need to kill, the parts of him which were to Rule inaccessible—explicating but refusing to idealize the personality capable of this sort of compartmentalization and manipulation.

An ex-cop working with police contacts, Rule has a more of an agenda re: the justice system than most of the true crime I've read lately; an agenda unconsciously complicated by her familiarity with prison and with Bundy-as-complete person. Her growing belief in Bundy's guilt doesn't make prison any less claustrophobic; it doesn't make his death sentence a lesser waste of money or human life. This is a long read, with significant autobiographical detail and multiple addendums that follow Bundy post-conviction. But it's worth buckling in for the long haul for thoroughness and insight.

That said, I live in the Pacific North West & the audiobook narrator pronounces Willamette wrong. Petty, yes; do most non-Oregonians pronounce it wrong, also yes. But it makes me wonder how often placenames in audiobooks are butchered & I just don't recognize it.


Title: Paperbacks from Hell: The Twisted History of '70s and '80s Horror Fiction
Author: Grady Hendrix
Narrator: Timothy Andrés Pabon
Published: Blackstone Audio, 2018
Rating: 2 of 5
Page Count: 255
Total Page Count: 380,420
Text Number: 1427
Read Because: horror genre criticism counts as morbid nonfiction to listen to while gaming; audiobook borrowed from the Multnomah County Library
Review: Absolute chaos, and as a result a breezy, speedy read. This makes no attempt to differentiate quality (although an appendix offers a more selective list of recommendations) and focuses instead on the delight and, well, the value of shock value. There's a lot of plot summaries; the arguments re: genre influences and trends are facile but convincing. Cover art is a big part of the discussion, so the audiobook is perforce incomplete; but I didn't care enough to seek out missing images, which is indicative of my overall response. I learned a little, maybe even thought a little ... but mostly learned that I hate Hendrix's humor.


Title: Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs? And Other Questions about Dead Bodies
Author and narrator: Caitlin Doughty
Published: Recorded Books, 2019
Rating: 3 of 5
Page Count: 230
Total Page Count: 380,300
Text Number: 1430
Read Because: fan of the author, audiobook borrowed from the Multnomah County Library
Review: I found the audio of this is a little forced, which is a pity—I know & love Doughty first from YouTube; she can read from a script! But on the whole, a fine reading and a fine book: cute, short, engaging tidbits, but honest and informative; well-targeted at but not limited to a young audience; I knew all this already, but would happily recommend it as an introductory text.