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juushikaI don't know why, and I would be hard pressed to explain how, but my back has been exceptionally painful the last few days (three, perhaps?). It's not the stabbing pain of spasms, but more like a constant throbbing with sharp beats in it where the pain spikes, like a pounding headache except that instead of making it hard to think, it makes it hard to sit still. No position, sitting or lying down, seems to make the pain go away, but constantly shifting positions at least keeps it from getting worse (haha—like "not worse" is really all that much better). So I guess what I'm trying so say is that I hurt on a level that could be approximately described as "very badly." I do not approve, it is making it hard for me to do anything (as being incredibly uncomfortable and fidgety makes it hard to stay focused on a task for very long), and I request that it stop, please and thank you.
So that's fun.
On a better note, Samhain yesterday was quite nice, even if Halloween was a bit of a letdown. I'm still having a hard time delving in to specific outward CR acts—I'm very much plagued by that self-conscious sense of not knowing what the fuck I'm doing. Truly, that keeps me from doing so much. Nonetheless, the day rose with a thick layer of fog which, if any thing, certainly meant that the arbitrary October 31st date was well suited in this case. I went out walking. I detoured away from the preserve that I normally visit, and (under the comforting cover of the mist, because I feel so self-conscious if I'm afraid people from the road or houses might see me) I wandered off into a wild field across the way, which was thick with dew and absolutely lovely. I left an early offering (half of my breakfast, an organic apple—we picked up Liberty apples from the farmers market last weekend, yum) in a small copse that grew there, and then went walking out by the park somewhat further along the road, and then out through a back path, onto a residential street, and into another field, mowed and de-blackberried but again uncultivated, and then beside the railroad tracks until I finally came to another street and could make my way home. It was a much longer loop than normal, but since I spent so little time on the roads, I have no idea how long. Perhaps three miles?
Back at the house, I look a long shower and then cleaned around the house—using the start of the new year as a chance to clarify and clean a bit (not as much as I would have hoped, but still more than nothing). I set up my altar again (it's been packed away for some time), spent some time with my photo album, which goes back to my great great great grandparents on both sides of the family (proof that there is a purpose to middle school genealogy projects!), set out another apple and some seed pods (nuts and seeds are always quintessentially Samhain to me, as they reflect both the fruitfulness of the season and, as dried and emptied husks, the end of the harvest and the start of winter), and lit candles for the gods, the land spirits, and for the dead—the large pillar candle this time, though I usually use it for the divine. I placed it all nearish the window, with a clear view in from the night to the glowing lights.
I was a bit excited about the prospect of, for the first time, giving out candy for Halloween. This is the first year since 2003 that I've been living residentially and facing the street, the first time I was likely to have trick or treaters. But not only did I grow very tired at nightfall (my sleeping schedule is still very, very messed up), I also had a total of two groups ring my doorbell: one before I had any candy to give them, and one after I had gone to bed, and so Devon answered the door for me. So now I have a shit ton of leftover chocolate in the freezer, and that was a bit of a let down. A pity, really, as it would have been nice to have a few visiting souls—I see a very pagan root to modern Halloween, and I love that, and would love to appreciate it again, to work it in to the religious energies of the day. But, due to sleep and the fact that there were still almost no visitors ... no dice on that. Ah, oh well.
The chocolate will be nice, at least, provided I don't make myself sick on it.
On a less meaningful but truly wonderful pair of sidenotes:
I found a scent that perfectly matches that amber resin that first made me want to try perfumes at all: BPAL's Haunted (soft golden amber darkened with a touch of murky black musk). I cannot even begin to tell you how happy this discovery makes me. My most recent order turned out to be quite a nice one, but nothing tops discovering that a whim "oh that sounds nice" imp addition turned out to be the one scent that I've been looking for all this time.
I'm back to writing again, following this period of pain, depression, anxiety, and insomnia—none of which are quite gone. 1k words a day, I know what happens now (even though I had to reach for a few last bits of unexpected climax), and I want to get this draft done by the end of the month. No word count as of yet, because I haven't typed anything in ages.
I have a headache vying with my backpain now, so that's all for me, and instead I get to go lie down and bemoan my damned body.
So that's fun.
On a better note, Samhain yesterday was quite nice, even if Halloween was a bit of a letdown. I'm still having a hard time delving in to specific outward CR acts—I'm very much plagued by that self-conscious sense of not knowing what the fuck I'm doing. Truly, that keeps me from doing so much. Nonetheless, the day rose with a thick layer of fog which, if any thing, certainly meant that the arbitrary October 31st date was well suited in this case. I went out walking. I detoured away from the preserve that I normally visit, and (under the comforting cover of the mist, because I feel so self-conscious if I'm afraid people from the road or houses might see me) I wandered off into a wild field across the way, which was thick with dew and absolutely lovely. I left an early offering (half of my breakfast, an organic apple—we picked up Liberty apples from the farmers market last weekend, yum) in a small copse that grew there, and then went walking out by the park somewhat further along the road, and then out through a back path, onto a residential street, and into another field, mowed and de-blackberried but again uncultivated, and then beside the railroad tracks until I finally came to another street and could make my way home. It was a much longer loop than normal, but since I spent so little time on the roads, I have no idea how long. Perhaps three miles?
Back at the house, I look a long shower and then cleaned around the house—using the start of the new year as a chance to clarify and clean a bit (not as much as I would have hoped, but still more than nothing). I set up my altar again (it's been packed away for some time), spent some time with my photo album, which goes back to my great great great grandparents on both sides of the family (proof that there is a purpose to middle school genealogy projects!), set out another apple and some seed pods (nuts and seeds are always quintessentially Samhain to me, as they reflect both the fruitfulness of the season and, as dried and emptied husks, the end of the harvest and the start of winter), and lit candles for the gods, the land spirits, and for the dead—the large pillar candle this time, though I usually use it for the divine. I placed it all nearish the window, with a clear view in from the night to the glowing lights.
I was a bit excited about the prospect of, for the first time, giving out candy for Halloween. This is the first year since 2003 that I've been living residentially and facing the street, the first time I was likely to have trick or treaters. But not only did I grow very tired at nightfall (my sleeping schedule is still very, very messed up), I also had a total of two groups ring my doorbell: one before I had any candy to give them, and one after I had gone to bed, and so Devon answered the door for me. So now I have a shit ton of leftover chocolate in the freezer, and that was a bit of a let down. A pity, really, as it would have been nice to have a few visiting souls—I see a very pagan root to modern Halloween, and I love that, and would love to appreciate it again, to work it in to the religious energies of the day. But, due to sleep and the fact that there were still almost no visitors ... no dice on that. Ah, oh well.
The chocolate will be nice, at least, provided I don't make myself sick on it.
On a less meaningful but truly wonderful pair of sidenotes:
I found a scent that perfectly matches that amber resin that first made me want to try perfumes at all: BPAL's Haunted (soft golden amber darkened with a touch of murky black musk). I cannot even begin to tell you how happy this discovery makes me. My most recent order turned out to be quite a nice one, but nothing tops discovering that a whim "oh that sounds nice" imp addition turned out to be the one scent that I've been looking for all this time.
I'm back to writing again, following this period of pain, depression, anxiety, and insomnia—none of which are quite gone. 1k words a day, I know what happens now (even though I had to reach for a few last bits of unexpected climax), and I want to get this draft done by the end of the month. No word count as of yet, because I haven't typed anything in ages.
I have a headache vying with my backpain now, so that's all for me, and instead I get to go lie down and bemoan my damned body.
