Papaya and pudena: awful sex scenes in Lipstick Jungle by Candace Bushnell

[juushika]

This is the last Lipstick Jungle post, I swear it. But in the numerous posts detailing exactly why the book is half laughable and half horrific, I didn't address—at least, not in near enough detail—the sex scenes in Lipstick Jungle. So I'll do so, before I return the book to the library and never think of it again.

And I'm crossposting it to weepingcock, snark home of the worst sex scenes ever written. You should check out the community—it's a real gem, and this finally gives me a chance to join it.

Bushnell loves adverbs, and she loves her thesaurus. There are no velvet-sheathed iron rods in her book, but there are words that made me pause and look them up in a dictionary, to make sure they were what I thought they were. The resulting book is a midgrade evil: not outlandishly absurd, but wretched writing stripped of all passion, inspiring wide-eyed, mind-boggled moments of "pudenda? did she really write pudenda?" It made me want to beat my head with the book—to jostle my braincells back into action, or to put them out of their misery, I'm not sure.

But why tell when I can show? Bushnell doesn't know how to do so—but I do.

The setting: forty-something married successful business woman (Nico) decides to have an affair with a much younger man (Kirby). She's nervous and sexually repressed; he's exuberant and stupid.

She smiled back. Suddenly, his head darted forward like a snake and he ambushed her, closing his mouth down on hers. Still holding the bottle of wine in one hand, he pulled her closer with the other. She willingly curved her body into him, thinking that his mouth was like a soft, juicy fruit—a papaya, perhaps—while his hard body provided an irresistible contrast.
A snake mauling her mouth, or papaya lips. I'm not sure I know which is better—no, wait. I do: it's that they follow each other, so as soon as I finish boggling at one, I can mock the next.

"And in case you're wondering, you have a great body," he whispered, sliding her skirt up and working his hands between her legs to pry them open. She resisted, thinking how good it felts that he wanted her enough to work at getting her to give in to him, and also knowing that if she resisted she could lie to herself later, telling herself that she hadn't been able to help what happened—she was overcome.
Oh, now that's a healthy attitude to have towards sex. It definitely won't give you any complexes down the line. Nope.

Kirby removed a pair of kitchen shears from a flowered ceramic holder containing an assortment of wooden spoons and spatulas. On top of being great in bed, he was a cook, she thought. He teasingly ran his hand over her belly and inner thighs, and then, pulling the panty hose away from her stomach, begin to snip downwards with agonizing slowness. When he reached the top of her pudenda, he put down the scissors and with his two hands, ripped the panty hose open.
Pudenda? Yes, pudenda: "the external genital organs of a human being and especially of a woman." Well I don't know about you, but sex scenes that sound like medical manuals are totally hot.

In a few quick seconds, he unzipped his pants, releasing a rock-hard penis (ok, it was cliché, she thought, but there really was no other way to describe it)...
Yes, it is cliché, but there really must be some other way to describe it.

She shook her head, anticipating how it would feel when he pushed his penis into her.
This could have come out The "What's Happening to My Body?" Book for Girls. It's that medical manual thing again—but wait, it gets better.

From the book's final sex scene, wherein the older woman goes to shag her younger boytoy and forget about the bad day at work:

For a few moments, she almost managed to forget everything, allowing herself to scream with pleasure. Afterward, she clung to him, running her hands over his back and buttocks, relishing the feeling of his smooth skin and pressing him into her even after he began to experience detumescence.
Buttocks is one thing, sure, because sometimes "ass" is a bit harsh. But detumescence? Yes, detumescence: "subsidence or diminution of swelling or erection." Call me crazy, but I'm almost missing the snake attack and papaya lips. At least those had something resembling feeling or passion. At least I didn't need to double check those in the dictionary.

Not long after Kirby "experiences detumescence," she calls off the affair. What a surprise.

Pudenda pudenda pudenda. Pudenda. It's a fun word to say. You should try it.