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juushikaI've been plagued with a lot of anxiety this last week, of the particularly un-fun kind. For most of the week, it was simple restlessness, nervousness, and problems sleeping (well, worse than usual). But the last few days have been worse. Two days ago, I had a small little crying breakdown that I thought was the anxiety coming to a climax and dissipating. Yesterday, ill-timed with Devon being out, I spent a good five hours of the night panicking and pacing, crying and shaking, having problems breathing, unable to concentrate or calm down. I haven't had such a bad episode in a long time, and I had no idea how to cope with it. Things got a bit better after I finally had a nice long cry, but I had vivid, violent, depressing dreams last night, and again today—while there were people around and then a party for me—I felt strange. Not so bad as before, just a bit of disassociation, shaking, and breathing problems that continued through the evening.
When my mental health problems first became severe, it came in my first major depressive episode. Every six months for a few years I cycled in an out of episodes, developed increased and eventually severe agoraphobia, and began to tend more and more toward comorbid anxiety. Since leaving school and returning home, my depression has receded, largely, back to dysthymia, but my agoraphobia remains. And, oddly, the anxiety seems to have stuck around. I say "oddly" because I don't know what this anxiety is—I was never diagnosed generalized or social, I very rarely have outright panic attacks; mostly, it is a nervous tenseness, a few physical symptoms like difficulty breathing or a racing heart, and it has no discernible cause except it happens more when I'm already tired or stressed.
Depression is my burden, my black beast, my baseline. Agoraphobia is my personality, my fear. But the anxiety—the anxiety I don't understand. I'm feeling a bit better now, though I don't much want to sleep; I'm not much in a self-pitying mood, and the anxiety from the last two days isn't so bad in retrospect. Nonetheless I wish I understood it—better, at least. I wish I knew why it continues, what causes it, or how to cope with it. I know depression, I know agoraphobia. This has me at a loose end. Or perhaps it's that I'm having a few bad days when they're rarer now, and I'm out of practice? I don't know. I just hope tomorrow and the next few days go better.
For all of that, I promise things aren't so bad. ^_^ I had a good day today, with plenty of positive attention and love, as well as chocolate (even if the torte lacked something in the way of torte-ness—it was still good). Thank you everyone for birthday wishes! I much appreciate it. ♥
When my mental health problems first became severe, it came in my first major depressive episode. Every six months for a few years I cycled in an out of episodes, developed increased and eventually severe agoraphobia, and began to tend more and more toward comorbid anxiety. Since leaving school and returning home, my depression has receded, largely, back to dysthymia, but my agoraphobia remains. And, oddly, the anxiety seems to have stuck around. I say "oddly" because I don't know what this anxiety is—I was never diagnosed generalized or social, I very rarely have outright panic attacks; mostly, it is a nervous tenseness, a few physical symptoms like difficulty breathing or a racing heart, and it has no discernible cause except it happens more when I'm already tired or stressed.
Depression is my burden, my black beast, my baseline. Agoraphobia is my personality, my fear. But the anxiety—the anxiety I don't understand. I'm feeling a bit better now, though I don't much want to sleep; I'm not much in a self-pitying mood, and the anxiety from the last two days isn't so bad in retrospect. Nonetheless I wish I understood it—better, at least. I wish I knew why it continues, what causes it, or how to cope with it. I know depression, I know agoraphobia. This has me at a loose end. Or perhaps it's that I'm having a few bad days when they're rarer now, and I'm out of practice? I don't know. I just hope tomorrow and the next few days go better.
For all of that, I promise things aren't so bad. ^_^ I had a good day today, with plenty of positive attention and love, as well as chocolate (even if the torte lacked something in the way of torte-ness—it was still good). Thank you everyone for birthday wishes! I much appreciate it. ♥
