General update/end of the year summary, or: depression; also a best of list.

[juushika]

I continue to be at the heart of a depressive episode as we come in to the start of a new year. I live a life of embarrassing leisure—I don't work, I'm not in school, I have almost no outstanding responsibilities—because when I tried to do things, I fell apart publicly and violently. I don't know how far that extends, I'm too terrified to test it; I'm afraid of even hobbies, of anything productive. I want to be able to use my freedom to do what others wish they could—read all the books, play all the games, watch all the shows, consume if I'm not brave enough to create—but here's the truism about depression: it murders both motivation and pleasure; it's not just the inability to do anything, but the inability to enjoy anything. Post-holiday, I'm surrounded by new books and games and yet another Yuletide which passed me by, and I can't engage in any of them, not even when (and indeed because I'm) so depressed that I would really benefit from the escapism. It's not a vivid sadness, it's a deadness, a numbness, something gray and prolonged and disabling.

If what we do at the start of the new year is symbolically indicative of what we will do during that new year, then I wish to tell everything—the world, my mind—to, roundly, go fuck itself.

My friendslist is alive today with new year's summaries, and right now I couldn't imagine writing same; to think back now would be depressing, to have something to look back at later would be worse. But for a change of pace and for once to follow a trend, I do have a few best of lists. Much of it wasn't new to 2013, but I discovered it in 2013.


Best Books:

• An e-reader! It's not a book, but it counts. No reading format is superior, but an e-reader makes some things wonderfully accessible; I'm adore mine.
  
• The Dancers of Arun, Elizabeth A. Lynn. I loved this entire series, but the second was my darling: compassionate, well-characterized, id-level writing.
  
• The Doctrine of Labyrinths by Sarah Monette (1, 2, 3, 4). Speaking of id-level writing: I was never blind to this series's flaws, but Monette writes complex, resonant character interactions and I never wanted to see them end.
  
• Ombria in Shadow, Patricia A. McKillip. Exquisite. This is the year I discovered McKillip, and I'll come back to her—her voice is art, and Ombria is its perfect compliment.

Best Games:

• TERA. TERA went free to play in 2013 and so we returned to it; we finally reached post-game and it's perfect for me: a focus on dungeons, comforting repetition, but rewarding challenge.
  
• Animal Crossing: New Leaf. I've put 300 hours into this game so far; it's more robust, more accessible, everything the series was meant to be: a home away from home.
  
• Feminist Frequency. Sarkeesian's full-length videos are triumphant.

Best Television and Film:

• The Hunger Games. I'm not particularly fond of these as books, but the film blew me away, in no small part thanks to Jennifer Lawrence's phenomenal acting.
  
• The X-Files (see here and here). Even what hasn't aged well about this show is fascinating as a forerunner in its genre; what has aged well was exactly what I'd hope for from conspiracy theories and strong character relationships.
  
• Kuroko's Basketball. I had a run of enjoyable but not phenomenal anime this year; to be frank, Kuroko's Basketball also belongs on that list save for the fact that it's indicative of what I watched: character-fueled, addicting, and more than somewhat silly.

Ignoring for a moment the irony of what I'm about to say: This is an open call for more things I should read or play or watch! All mediums and all genres; recommend to me a thing I should consume in the coming year.