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juushikaIn the last few months, I've developed a productive method for going to bed which is very like my old method: reading or watching something in bed with hotpad for an hour or two, but now I watch Joy of Painting as the very last thing before sleep. I enjoy those episodes so much and find them so calming that I often start the bed process earlier or spend less time with other media. It's the best part of my day, and I'm falling asleep easier and sleeping better. (I suppose this is ASMR at work!)
And I'm waking in a good mood, which is extremely unusual; and while lying in bed I catch up on social media with optimism and energy and a sense of "look at all these people I'll interact with, all these political things I'll do"—but after the intervening hour of getting up and dressed and fed, with the overnight news rattling, rattling, rattling in my head, by the time I'm in the position to do anything I discover I've begun a low-grade, day-long panic episode. Every day. Every day, for months now, but especially these last few weeks.
I know the precise intent of the administration is to exhaust us. I've seen a lot of good commentary on Politics While Crazy, about working within one's dis/ability, about the danger of inundating one another with despair, about self-care, about political and social movements compensating for the individual's occasional need to step back, and I agree with all of it. But I'm find it hard to turn that knowledge inward, for little reasons (I can't cordon off the political aspects of social media because it's tied too closely to the purely social aspects) and for the big one, which is that I am barely held together at the best of times, and with any outside stressors self-care becomes not a thing I need to prioritize, but the only thing I can do, my default and often singular behavior.
I'm forcing myself to internalize some of my own common sense, and if less social media = less socializing, then so be it, because I haven't been able to do much of that anyway. I'm actually pretty good at coping methods! I've had a lot of practice! What energy I can summon despite the crazy, I put towards politics. But the endlessness of the situation breaks my heart, the next four years, but also—despite these many years, this better living situation, these practiced coping methods—that crazy is my daily battle. I don't know to keep up the fight on both fronts at once.
And I'm waking in a good mood, which is extremely unusual; and while lying in bed I catch up on social media with optimism and energy and a sense of "look at all these people I'll interact with, all these political things I'll do"—but after the intervening hour of getting up and dressed and fed, with the overnight news rattling, rattling, rattling in my head, by the time I'm in the position to do anything I discover I've begun a low-grade, day-long panic episode. Every day. Every day, for months now, but especially these last few weeks.
I know the precise intent of the administration is to exhaust us. I've seen a lot of good commentary on Politics While Crazy, about working within one's dis/ability, about the danger of inundating one another with despair, about self-care, about political and social movements compensating for the individual's occasional need to step back, and I agree with all of it. But I'm find it hard to turn that knowledge inward, for little reasons (I can't cordon off the political aspects of social media because it's tied too closely to the purely social aspects) and for the big one, which is that I am barely held together at the best of times, and with any outside stressors self-care becomes not a thing I need to prioritize, but the only thing I can do, my default and often singular behavior.
I'm forcing myself to internalize some of my own common sense, and if less social media = less socializing, then so be it, because I haven't been able to do much of that anyway. I'm actually pretty good at coping methods! I've had a lot of practice! What energy I can summon despite the crazy, I put towards politics. But the endlessness of the situation breaks my heart, the next four years, but also—despite these many years, this better living situation, these practiced coping methods—that crazy is my daily battle. I don't know to keep up the fight on both fronts at once.
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Date: 2017-02-06 11:05 am (UTC)With his quiet, lilting voice and paintbrush creating fantasy landscapes out of thin air, it feels like he's weaving these magical worlds for me to explore in my dreams. :)