![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
juushikaCritical Role Campaign One, ep 86-The End.
the Vex/Percy convo about where Percy went when he died and about where his victims go—murder and revive someone for science! (well, maybe, as long as it’s someone we already need to murder)—is all I’ve ever wanted. it’s the best sort of fridge horror, and works esp. well alongside Kerrek’s questions about resurrection magic. I am all here for the acknowledgement that what they do is Not Normal; also for a sense of consequence, and for reviving Orthax feelings. and, let’s be real, if I were in literally any magic system I would immediately or inevitably have this same impulse.
the Percy/Keyleth convo about the Aramente’s true goals is great for overlapping reasons. I don’t think Percy’s concerns will the least be reflected in reality—I don’t think he’s right—but I like that he’s suspicious. Percy’s character has been all over the place lately, this transition from No Mercy Percy to Yolo de Rolo; he’s been split between “now I can be happy” and “I would worry about my fresh new personality crisis but, first: dragons.” I appreciate the reminders that 1) he’s so unresolved and 2) he will never not be this person who looks for the worst in everything. (direct from my unedited notes: he’s struggling with how2consequences: wanting to believe nothing matters, wanting to be liberated; still harboring this sincere trauma, self-doubt, universal doubt. a constant obsession with death, dying. unresolved Orthax issues. PS: more Orthax please?)
going to hell was not enough Orthax, but it was a good followup! Percy using soul shards!! Percy being the one smart enough to handle a demon contract, precisely because he’s always looking for the worst in things. Percy freudian-slipping Orthax’s name! probably nothing will ever live up to the Whitestone arc & that’s okay—it’s an unfair standard to hold a narrative to & lots of other things have been very good. but the complex echoes of that and of Percy’s growth & lack of growth, of his longterm characterization, are rewarding.
I’ve been waiting for Vax to die since he made his bargain! like most Vax Things I feel like it’s just the foreshadowing for a long, angsty, overdrawn narrative (not a complaint), so I don’t have a lot of theorycrafting yet about what it means to him
but I have a lot of feelings about what it means to the Raven Queen.
she’s strangely equivocal. her stewardship of life and death is profoundly altered by a society/magic system that allows for resurrection. I have questions: how has she changed as larger society’s changed? given the supposition that magic/access to magic is roughly equivalent to technological evolution, and so society’s interaction with it has changed over time, and thus her interaction with society has changed: does this mean some groups are privileged by their access to magic—effectively able to bargain with (a god of) death? Vax’s killing enemies is phrased as a gift to her, one she implicitly accepts (given that it aids in his resurrection ritual), therefore it seems that bargaining the other way works too: some people get to come back, some people can go early. her real issue is with necromancy; this is phrased as violations of the “natural order” but see again the conversation about resurrection magic: magic isn’t normal; not, at least, normative. is she fair? does she privilege privileged groups? are the divisions she makes between life and death, between natural and unnatural, between types of magic, static? are they fair?
this Vax proto-arc amid the slew of Percy moments was thematically complimentary and v. enjoyable
I am of the opinion that Marisha is frequently not-quite-there in combat (which, fair: I’m frequently not-all-there myself); I also think she’s dealing with a super complicated class esp. as regards skill name vs. description vs. actual, in-combat effect (moreso now that they’re fighting these big legendary things). but honest2god I really feel like Matt is harder on her than anyone else? viewer comments that he takes it easy on her seem wildly wrong: he gets impatient, he forces her to quick decisions, he hammers home the unintended consequences of her abilities, and that’s half of why her stuff goes wrong. maybe it’s just a reflection of their personal relationship? maybe it’s overcompensation, as he tries not to favor her? IDK and neither do I feel comfortable thinking much about player motives/relationships—it’s not my business. but, while I’m not esp. invested in Marisha or Keyleth, the fandom hate is just bizarre to me.
also, Keyleth is the bearer of the plain shift, which 1) saved a Vax and 2) prevented a TPK (the end of hell is such a great sequence), ergo everyone can just back off, ty
smaller notes:
Percy scrying Scanlan is SO PERCY, I approve; mostly tho that reverse-whisper is legit one of the most thrilling things I’ve experienced in the campaign. it’s an interesting moment of meta-narrative: because it’s a deviation from normal gaming/streaming format, it feels startling and special
I hugely admire Matt’s ability to speak to what a PC does or thinks without co-opting their roleplay. it really feels like it’s coming from character-interior knowledge and/or that there’s significant exterior impetus, it feels respectful and aware; he also makes it just fuzzy enough that, horoscope-like, I can imagine the PC cherry-picking the most resonant parts of what he says they’re feeling. it’s hard to get right, but also key to some really intense, private character moments.
Vex’s hunt is a great example of the above. I’m not hugely invested in her character (although I love Laura beyond reason), but she really needed a solo moment to bring home her larger arc; it was beautifully crafted. I would not have thought that “half a day of frustrated meditation” would be really good storytelling—and yet!
all the ~family~ feels can get talked to death but I am still sort of shook by the idea of a timeskip and of these people just … inhabiting a domestic life. I think it’s a productive way to balance real-time and game-time, to bring home “family” in fact as well as heart. characters like Kerrek and like Kima and Allura have been productive models for post-adventuring—for adventuring as a social construct, as just one part of life. I’m excited to see peeks into what everyone gets up to, and if/how personalities/relationships change, but mostly I like it … in potentia. I like to imagine them having boring, private, gentle times that I don’t need to witness but that every life deserves.
I don’t like that Scanlan’s return turned into shit on Scanlan time; I do like that there was room for anger and apology (important! valid! should be part of a narrative!), and I love how much of that anger was in Pike. good people feeling anger, being entitled to feel anger, is important. I appreciate how conciliatory and nervous Scanlan is—that he doesn’t take for granted that he is just one of the group again; that, until other things arise, none of them do.
but it’s Scanlan’s address to Vax post-disintegration which feels most sincere to me, re: what we learned about ~family~. it’s easy for Vax to choose to come back—this is just a macro form of the bargain he has always made: his life for his family. but it’s not easy for Scanlan. there was an appeal—a valid appeal, a selfish appeal, a passing appeal, a complex appeal—to leaving; coming back is a risk and a challenge and it’s scary. that he’s able to articulate that speaks more to his character development and feelings than all the public displays of reconciliation.
I am absolutely head over heels for Scanlan’s praying. it’s cute and flawed and, given upcoming events, we really need some fake-it-until-you-make?-it?? religion rn.
ANYWAY
GODS
gods
gods okay
ep 104 is Sarenrae/Dawnfather, and it already feels like Too Much—the escalation, but also the relative ease of obtaining divine favor. will it feel routine by the time they get to their final battle? I worry. I’d really like someone to fail and, as much as I love the gradual, human consistency of Vex’s arc, she would have been a great failure. just saying.
but the Raven Queen (and Sarenrae too) is all I ever wanted
if my longstanding question was what the Raven Queen’s real rules were, the answer is: literally whatever she says, insofar as her guardianship over life and death means she gets to be the one—and demands to be the only one—to decide the circumstances under which things cross that boundary. it’s not deviation from a “natural order” which offends her, obviously, since she reincarnates Vax from the void—it’s deviation from the order she sets down. so, of course, Vecna is a natural enemy, of course necromancy is: these are other people setting down their own orders, and she won’t allow that.
(something only enforced by the fact of her own ascension. the rule is that she gets to make the rules.)
but what her rules are is flexible, and absolutely changes according to her whim and convenience, and, frankly, her notice; because in the time they’ve done this, plenty of people have died who have had no debate with the Raven Queen, no resuscitation or revival, no recorporealization.
let’s just all take a moment to:
“an unexpected destiny for my beautiful fate-touched”
“do you accept my gift?”
“you have such loneliness in your eyes.”
“perhaps you will keep me company when you come back. do you accept?”
“you, whose nature bucks destiny. my beautiful thing.”
appreciate the austere seduction that is this relationship—it’s profoundly physical (pools of blood, literal death) but also desexualized, the vacant pale porcelain of her mask, the inhuman size of her, but then made intimate again, as she stands, mortal-sized, before him; runs her fingers through his hair.
the Raven Queen is my everything; she is ye old wlw conundrum of “do I want to be or do I want to romance” only more like “do I want to be or do I want to worship”
(I’m flexible, fates. just like, if you were wondering, “huh, should Juu be introduced to the divine today?” the answer is yes via any form, I am flexible, have at!)
Scanlan’s “maybe you’ll be more pleasant to be around now? no more death wish! been there, about to be doing that! you don’t need to be obsessed w/ death anymore since it’s already fait accompli!”
and voice of god’s aka the DM: “it’s true”
I’ve wanted for so long to answer the question: what happens to someone with a death-drive when they sincere internalize death—does the elevated attraction/fear dissipate, or is it more fully realized? and the answer is yes, both: it pervades: he vibrates to a different pitch, now (a slow, inhuman heartbeat), and rather than being beyond the death drive he is become the death drive but, also, he can take it for granted
Vax’s reactions to Sarenrae are fantastic—that he is both proud (Pike was his ideal, his idol; then he outpaced her, but it was no good thing; now she is rewarded with what she’s worked for, they’re equals) and mournful (all that time ago, this was what he was working towards! he wanted to overcome his death drive, to find something to believe which would ground him, give him that reason that—ages ago, before the Conclave gave them ample!—they were all looking for, the “why am I here.” he was blindsided by the complete opposite, was forced to confront and internalize that death drive instead of overcoming it—Sarenrae, Pike’s bond to Sarenrae, is what he lost)
Pike’s “Vax, I know you and I have different relationships with our gods, but—wow!” I love her and I am proud of her and I love that her reverence is pure but not pristine. like the Trickfoot curse! her purity is not an objective absolute, but a thing lived and achieved within the boundaries of normal, mortal life. Sarenrae is her second chance in an eternal, constant sense—of always becoming one’s better self. and she is, Pike is, her best self.
Mercer has done so well with the time they’ve had with Ashley in residence (as it were) to really prioritize her arc & the payoff is fantastic.
when Artagan asked to strangle Vax
#never!!! in my LIFE!!!! #I watch a lot of Critical Role while slamming the pause button every 2mins to have an excess of offscreen feelings #it gets so intense! my poor heart can't handle! #I am also ridiculously prone to embarrassment squick and sometimes even the best-intentioned RP triggers it & I just need a Moment #but this was a WHOLE other level #Matt 'I'm sorry! It made sense for him at the time!' Mercer #like suddenly the things you are RPing on live internet-TV and you know #you KNOW #it is someone's specific fetish #(hi! I'm someone!) #not just asphyxiation which is A+ OK but like #what2do w/ a body when the body can't die? how do physical interactions change in a world w/ magic?? #this is something CR has been exploring for a long long time; Vax's relationship with his mortality is just the next part of it #but this is the most literal & immediate they've ever gone with it and Vax's simultaneous 'privacy please'/'no fear remember?' just #especially set against everyone's dual character/player reactions--esp. Matt's!--I just Cannot #I am dead. goodbye. #Juu watches #Critical Role #spoilers be ye warned #strangulation tw #character death tw #nsfw text #(just in case)
I was super worried that the religious scale/awe would be lost by repetition; it in very large part was not; some of this is because Ioun was fantastic and so was her trial , but almost all can be attributed to Darin De Paul
I have never loved a guest star so much and so fast, or maybe a human being; he was amazing. The “Bluish” joke just. outright murdered me. When he said “you know how important this is to me” at the end of show I went and googled and found this post about him talking about Critical Role. I had feelings. Sprigg is so immediately well-developed because he was a preexisting character! his arc foils Vox Machina’s because De Paul watches the show. He got to live my personal dream in roleplaying a mortal-relationship-with-the-evidential-divine story arc. :( He was so sincere and so invested and seems like a genuinely fabulous human being and—what a gift, especially at this point in the arc.
I have a lot of feelings about Grog & Percy imbued with divine knowledge, and that Percy’s is equated to madness. it’s another bargain, sort of, for him, in a long line of bargains.
I never really love live eps and that’s okay; still good content just. so loud. The love potion just barely manages to sidestep “get it, the joke is that gay attraction is gross” and also “sexual assault is funny” but … I think it does? I don’t know, Sam just does comedy so well, he can sell me on an awful lot. but the real highlight is that Mercer thought “how to make a live episode truly special?” and decided that the answer was to simultaneously play a round dozen NPCs. that is a spectacle.
I really like earth titan and just the bizarre, terrifying scale of the build to a finale; do not think a vertical dungeon crawl has super great pacing for this point in the plot; do especially enjoy the tension of DM trying to drain their resources right before climactic battle, do unexpectedly love the way that stupid finicky technical things like the anti-scry ring/teleportation between plains/etc. make for clever logistics and let some of the endgame abilities shine. My notes-to-self (which then get transformed into edited liveblogs) tend to be very character-focused; my reflections after the fact (like these) are apparently about pacing and narrative structure. or perhaps that’s just because final-arc pacing is especially important and challenging?
here’s another sidethought about logistics and pacing which I’ve had throughout: it sure is hard to balance “watchable TV” with “6-7+ people make a plan.” on account, I have a huge tolerance both for long frantic planning sessions and for shit going sideways because they felt forced to rush in. I secretly wish that they did nothing with their careers except Critical Role (instead of being super busy people), that each between-episode break could be spent recreating the Kevdak battle, where obvious off-screen planning made for what is still the best fight in the series. I love logistics-heavy interactions; they’re hard to make into accessible watching; how2optimize? or is it the occasional delight of the challenge what keeps it fresh?
oh hey btw here’s the answer for making big group planning fit into made-for-TV limited amounts of time:
allow for significantly more retroactive shit
ex. waiting for Vax to, uh, respawn happens because it’s polite to have all party members—friends!—around to plan Big Climactic Battle; but the wait gets skipped over in the interest of time; so there should be some flexibility in determining that some planning occurred retroactively, during that downtime, because realistically it would have and because it allows for big, convoluted planning to occur at necessary hyperspeed without punishing the players for the constrictions of the format
(that said: the DM making things have drawback/consequence is great! also Mercer has a fair bit of leniency; I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the events get nudged around on his side of the screen to allow for mistakes/bad timing.)
the other option is a party more willing to make decisions with a missing member—honestly this is my ideal? give Vax’s temporary-death more downsides than just the creepy and existential! inhabit the entire moment, be inconvenienced by plot events, put a character in a position where they didn’t have a say in the plan
but if they won’t, and if they’re still trying to speed-plan the literal end of the game, then allow retroactive planning pls
I realized I was doing that thing I often do, especially with things I particularly love, where I put off finishing. things. just, at all. because if I do, they end? I feel obligated to have a final opinion or write a review or something. but mostly, they end. sometimes never having closure feels easier.
it’s a dumb bad habit, and I hate it
but perhaps the solution was not to stay up until 10 a.m. the next morning finishing the series
I feel like I am basically just dead
#I also watched one reaction/slash analysis of Scanlan's 9th level spell to confirm that I saw what I thought I saw #I did; it was what made the end of the show for me #and then I had to watch the Talks Machina because I needed some sort of wind down #some closure for my closure if you will #but now I have maybe more feels about it than the entire last two episodes #everything about me is a mistake #time for a nap #Juu watches #Critical Role
one of the more minor details I noticed in the end-of-the-campaign chatter/interviews/etc is that the “we’re so excited that other people are playing DnD because of us”/”everyone should try playing DnD” message has shifted in tone
they used to heavily encourage playing in-person with friends; they’ve broadened to implicitly include (gasp!) playing online, and in the DM Tips retrospective Mercer talked about the benefit of online networking, Roll20, etc
coincident with discussions, esp. in the pre-ep. 114 interviews, about how the CR cast’s friendship has changed; that before filming they were all friends-of-friends and gamed sometimes, but filming weekly gave them an opportunity that they wouldn’t normally have to see each other regularly, and to deepen their friendship/family dynamic
absolutely possible that I am reading to much into this and/or that there’s parts of the conversation I’ve missed in the various interviews/Talks Machinas I haven’t seen, but the general undercurrent seems to be that close group friendships are actually hard to develop, and that they realize they’re lucky, and encourage any tool or venue that allows anyone to approach that sort of interaction
that “play in person with friends” thing used to bug the shit out of me. not that it’s not well-intended? but “do a group activity with meat-friends” is not an option for some people. like chronically-crazy shut-ins with small social circles made up of people on the other side of the internet, i.e. me
I really want to play DnD. and have been looking at things like Roll20 & making myself sad. in part b/c my standards & desires aren’t feasible, but, honestly, mostly because even “do a group activity with a curated selection of online people” isn’t possible for me. I’m too crazy to do that networking, and in indefinite-time-period will probably be too crazy to play.
I think a hell of a lot about this ridiculous post: I had a friend who was kin with mimes and was sad that they couldn’t be a mime and I don’t know why they realized they couldn’t go out and become a mime
not all of us can become mimes, Bob
not all of us can live our dreams, not just because self-pity and inertia are easier—which they are—and sort of tempting in a guilty, self-indulgent way—also true
but because we can’t do the work of making ourselves happy
so, like, the broader approach that the CR folks have gained from their own experience and, undoubtedly, interaction with the vast community & the number of DnD games that have spawned within it soothes a sore part in my soul
but I’m still mad; at me, this time.
Future-Juu ETA: 5 months later I did active work to find online groups & then everything felt apart because my dad was actively dying, so this issue is forever unresolved and I! don't like it!
That's it! That's The End! apologies for the dash-clog.
the Vex/Percy convo about where Percy went when he died and about where his victims go—murder and revive someone for science! (well, maybe, as long as it’s someone we already need to murder)—is all I’ve ever wanted. it’s the best sort of fridge horror, and works esp. well alongside Kerrek’s questions about resurrection magic. I am all here for the acknowledgement that what they do is Not Normal; also for a sense of consequence, and for reviving Orthax feelings. and, let’s be real, if I were in literally any magic system I would immediately or inevitably have this same impulse.
the Percy/Keyleth convo about the Aramente’s true goals is great for overlapping reasons. I don’t think Percy’s concerns will the least be reflected in reality—I don’t think he’s right—but I like that he’s suspicious. Percy’s character has been all over the place lately, this transition from No Mercy Percy to Yolo de Rolo; he’s been split between “now I can be happy” and “I would worry about my fresh new personality crisis but, first: dragons.” I appreciate the reminders that 1) he’s so unresolved and 2) he will never not be this person who looks for the worst in everything. (direct from my unedited notes: he’s struggling with how2consequences: wanting to believe nothing matters, wanting to be liberated; still harboring this sincere trauma, self-doubt, universal doubt. a constant obsession with death, dying. unresolved Orthax issues. PS: more Orthax please?)
going to hell was not enough Orthax, but it was a good followup! Percy using soul shards!! Percy being the one smart enough to handle a demon contract, precisely because he’s always looking for the worst in things. Percy freudian-slipping Orthax’s name! probably nothing will ever live up to the Whitestone arc & that’s okay—it’s an unfair standard to hold a narrative to & lots of other things have been very good. but the complex echoes of that and of Percy’s growth & lack of growth, of his longterm characterization, are rewarding.
I’ve been waiting for Vax to die since he made his bargain! like most Vax Things I feel like it’s just the foreshadowing for a long, angsty, overdrawn narrative (not a complaint), so I don’t have a lot of theorycrafting yet about what it means to him
but I have a lot of feelings about what it means to the Raven Queen.
she’s strangely equivocal. her stewardship of life and death is profoundly altered by a society/magic system that allows for resurrection. I have questions: how has she changed as larger society’s changed? given the supposition that magic/access to magic is roughly equivalent to technological evolution, and so society’s interaction with it has changed over time, and thus her interaction with society has changed: does this mean some groups are privileged by their access to magic—effectively able to bargain with (a god of) death? Vax’s killing enemies is phrased as a gift to her, one she implicitly accepts (given that it aids in his resurrection ritual), therefore it seems that bargaining the other way works too: some people get to come back, some people can go early. her real issue is with necromancy; this is phrased as violations of the “natural order” but see again the conversation about resurrection magic: magic isn’t normal; not, at least, normative. is she fair? does she privilege privileged groups? are the divisions she makes between life and death, between natural and unnatural, between types of magic, static? are they fair?
this Vax proto-arc amid the slew of Percy moments was thematically complimentary and v. enjoyable
I am of the opinion that Marisha is frequently not-quite-there in combat (which, fair: I’m frequently not-all-there myself); I also think she’s dealing with a super complicated class esp. as regards skill name vs. description vs. actual, in-combat effect (moreso now that they’re fighting these big legendary things). but honest2god I really feel like Matt is harder on her than anyone else? viewer comments that he takes it easy on her seem wildly wrong: he gets impatient, he forces her to quick decisions, he hammers home the unintended consequences of her abilities, and that’s half of why her stuff goes wrong. maybe it’s just a reflection of their personal relationship? maybe it’s overcompensation, as he tries not to favor her? IDK and neither do I feel comfortable thinking much about player motives/relationships—it’s not my business. but, while I’m not esp. invested in Marisha or Keyleth, the fandom hate is just bizarre to me.
also, Keyleth is the bearer of the plain shift, which 1) saved a Vax and 2) prevented a TPK (the end of hell is such a great sequence), ergo everyone can just back off, ty
smaller notes:
Percy scrying Scanlan is SO PERCY, I approve; mostly tho that reverse-whisper is legit one of the most thrilling things I’ve experienced in the campaign. it’s an interesting moment of meta-narrative: because it’s a deviation from normal gaming/streaming format, it feels startling and special
I hugely admire Matt’s ability to speak to what a PC does or thinks without co-opting their roleplay. it really feels like it’s coming from character-interior knowledge and/or that there’s significant exterior impetus, it feels respectful and aware; he also makes it just fuzzy enough that, horoscope-like, I can imagine the PC cherry-picking the most resonant parts of what he says they’re feeling. it’s hard to get right, but also key to some really intense, private character moments.
Vex’s hunt is a great example of the above. I’m not hugely invested in her character (although I love Laura beyond reason), but she really needed a solo moment to bring home her larger arc; it was beautifully crafted. I would not have thought that “half a day of frustrated meditation” would be really good storytelling—and yet!
all the ~family~ feels can get talked to death but I am still sort of shook by the idea of a timeskip and of these people just … inhabiting a domestic life. I think it’s a productive way to balance real-time and game-time, to bring home “family” in fact as well as heart. characters like Kerrek and like Kima and Allura have been productive models for post-adventuring—for adventuring as a social construct, as just one part of life. I’m excited to see peeks into what everyone gets up to, and if/how personalities/relationships change, but mostly I like it … in potentia. I like to imagine them having boring, private, gentle times that I don’t need to witness but that every life deserves.
I don’t like that Scanlan’s return turned into shit on Scanlan time; I do like that there was room for anger and apology (important! valid! should be part of a narrative!), and I love how much of that anger was in Pike. good people feeling anger, being entitled to feel anger, is important. I appreciate how conciliatory and nervous Scanlan is—that he doesn’t take for granted that he is just one of the group again; that, until other things arise, none of them do.
but it’s Scanlan’s address to Vax post-disintegration which feels most sincere to me, re: what we learned about ~family~. it’s easy for Vax to choose to come back—this is just a macro form of the bargain he has always made: his life for his family. but it’s not easy for Scanlan. there was an appeal—a valid appeal, a selfish appeal, a passing appeal, a complex appeal—to leaving; coming back is a risk and a challenge and it’s scary. that he’s able to articulate that speaks more to his character development and feelings than all the public displays of reconciliation.
I am absolutely head over heels for Scanlan’s praying. it’s cute and flawed and, given upcoming events, we really need some fake-it-until-you-make?-it?? religion rn.
ANYWAY
GODS
gods
gods okay
ep 104 is Sarenrae/Dawnfather, and it already feels like Too Much—the escalation, but also the relative ease of obtaining divine favor. will it feel routine by the time they get to their final battle? I worry. I’d really like someone to fail and, as much as I love the gradual, human consistency of Vex’s arc, she would have been a great failure. just saying.
but the Raven Queen (and Sarenrae too) is all I ever wanted
if my longstanding question was what the Raven Queen’s real rules were, the answer is: literally whatever she says, insofar as her guardianship over life and death means she gets to be the one—and demands to be the only one—to decide the circumstances under which things cross that boundary. it’s not deviation from a “natural order” which offends her, obviously, since she reincarnates Vax from the void—it’s deviation from the order she sets down. so, of course, Vecna is a natural enemy, of course necromancy is: these are other people setting down their own orders, and she won’t allow that.
(something only enforced by the fact of her own ascension. the rule is that she gets to make the rules.)
but what her rules are is flexible, and absolutely changes according to her whim and convenience, and, frankly, her notice; because in the time they’ve done this, plenty of people have died who have had no debate with the Raven Queen, no resuscitation or revival, no recorporealization.
let’s just all take a moment to:
“an unexpected destiny for my beautiful fate-touched”
“do you accept my gift?”
“you have such loneliness in your eyes.”
“perhaps you will keep me company when you come back. do you accept?”
“you, whose nature bucks destiny. my beautiful thing.”
appreciate the austere seduction that is this relationship—it’s profoundly physical (pools of blood, literal death) but also desexualized, the vacant pale porcelain of her mask, the inhuman size of her, but then made intimate again, as she stands, mortal-sized, before him; runs her fingers through his hair.
the Raven Queen is my everything; she is ye old wlw conundrum of “do I want to be or do I want to romance” only more like “do I want to be or do I want to worship”
(I’m flexible, fates. just like, if you were wondering, “huh, should Juu be introduced to the divine today?” the answer is yes via any form, I am flexible, have at!)
Scanlan’s “maybe you’ll be more pleasant to be around now? no more death wish! been there, about to be doing that! you don’t need to be obsessed w/ death anymore since it’s already fait accompli!”
and voice of god’s aka the DM: “it’s true”
I’ve wanted for so long to answer the question: what happens to someone with a death-drive when they sincere internalize death—does the elevated attraction/fear dissipate, or is it more fully realized? and the answer is yes, both: it pervades: he vibrates to a different pitch, now (a slow, inhuman heartbeat), and rather than being beyond the death drive he is become the death drive but, also, he can take it for granted
Vax’s reactions to Sarenrae are fantastic—that he is both proud (Pike was his ideal, his idol; then he outpaced her, but it was no good thing; now she is rewarded with what she’s worked for, they’re equals) and mournful (all that time ago, this was what he was working towards! he wanted to overcome his death drive, to find something to believe which would ground him, give him that reason that—ages ago, before the Conclave gave them ample!—they were all looking for, the “why am I here.” he was blindsided by the complete opposite, was forced to confront and internalize that death drive instead of overcoming it—Sarenrae, Pike’s bond to Sarenrae, is what he lost)
Pike’s “Vax, I know you and I have different relationships with our gods, but—wow!” I love her and I am proud of her and I love that her reverence is pure but not pristine. like the Trickfoot curse! her purity is not an objective absolute, but a thing lived and achieved within the boundaries of normal, mortal life. Sarenrae is her second chance in an eternal, constant sense—of always becoming one’s better self. and she is, Pike is, her best self.
Mercer has done so well with the time they’ve had with Ashley in residence (as it were) to really prioritize her arc & the payoff is fantastic.
when Artagan asked to strangle Vax
#never!!! in my LIFE!!!! #I watch a lot of Critical Role while slamming the pause button every 2mins to have an excess of offscreen feelings #it gets so intense! my poor heart can't handle! #I am also ridiculously prone to embarrassment squick and sometimes even the best-intentioned RP triggers it & I just need a Moment #but this was a WHOLE other level #Matt 'I'm sorry! It made sense for him at the time!' Mercer #like suddenly the things you are RPing on live internet-TV and you know #you KNOW #it is someone's specific fetish #(hi! I'm someone!) #not just asphyxiation which is A+ OK but like #what2do w/ a body when the body can't die? how do physical interactions change in a world w/ magic?? #this is something CR has been exploring for a long long time; Vax's relationship with his mortality is just the next part of it #but this is the most literal & immediate they've ever gone with it and Vax's simultaneous 'privacy please'/'no fear remember?' just #especially set against everyone's dual character/player reactions--esp. Matt's!--I just Cannot #I am dead. goodbye. #Juu watches #Critical Role #spoilers be ye warned #strangulation tw #character death tw #nsfw text #(just in case)
I was super worried that the religious scale/awe would be lost by repetition; it in very large part was not; some of this is because Ioun was fantastic and so was her trial , but almost all can be attributed to Darin De Paul
I have never loved a guest star so much and so fast, or maybe a human being; he was amazing. The “Bluish” joke just. outright murdered me. When he said “you know how important this is to me” at the end of show I went and googled and found this post about him talking about Critical Role. I had feelings. Sprigg is so immediately well-developed because he was a preexisting character! his arc foils Vox Machina’s because De Paul watches the show. He got to live my personal dream in roleplaying a mortal-relationship-with-the-evidential-divine story arc. :( He was so sincere and so invested and seems like a genuinely fabulous human being and—what a gift, especially at this point in the arc.
I have a lot of feelings about Grog & Percy imbued with divine knowledge, and that Percy’s is equated to madness. it’s another bargain, sort of, for him, in a long line of bargains.
I never really love live eps and that’s okay; still good content just. so loud. The love potion just barely manages to sidestep “get it, the joke is that gay attraction is gross” and also “sexual assault is funny” but … I think it does? I don’t know, Sam just does comedy so well, he can sell me on an awful lot. but the real highlight is that Mercer thought “how to make a live episode truly special?” and decided that the answer was to simultaneously play a round dozen NPCs. that is a spectacle.
I really like earth titan and just the bizarre, terrifying scale of the build to a finale; do not think a vertical dungeon crawl has super great pacing for this point in the plot; do especially enjoy the tension of DM trying to drain their resources right before climactic battle, do unexpectedly love the way that stupid finicky technical things like the anti-scry ring/teleportation between plains/etc. make for clever logistics and let some of the endgame abilities shine. My notes-to-self (which then get transformed into edited liveblogs) tend to be very character-focused; my reflections after the fact (like these) are apparently about pacing and narrative structure. or perhaps that’s just because final-arc pacing is especially important and challenging?
here’s another sidethought about logistics and pacing which I’ve had throughout: it sure is hard to balance “watchable TV” with “6-7+ people make a plan.” on account, I have a huge tolerance both for long frantic planning sessions and for shit going sideways because they felt forced to rush in. I secretly wish that they did nothing with their careers except Critical Role (instead of being super busy people), that each between-episode break could be spent recreating the Kevdak battle, where obvious off-screen planning made for what is still the best fight in the series. I love logistics-heavy interactions; they’re hard to make into accessible watching; how2optimize? or is it the occasional delight of the challenge what keeps it fresh?
oh hey btw here’s the answer for making big group planning fit into made-for-TV limited amounts of time:
allow for significantly more retroactive shit
ex. waiting for Vax to, uh, respawn happens because it’s polite to have all party members—friends!—around to plan Big Climactic Battle; but the wait gets skipped over in the interest of time; so there should be some flexibility in determining that some planning occurred retroactively, during that downtime, because realistically it would have and because it allows for big, convoluted planning to occur at necessary hyperspeed without punishing the players for the constrictions of the format
(that said: the DM making things have drawback/consequence is great! also Mercer has a fair bit of leniency; I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the events get nudged around on his side of the screen to allow for mistakes/bad timing.)
the other option is a party more willing to make decisions with a missing member—honestly this is my ideal? give Vax’s temporary-death more downsides than just the creepy and existential! inhabit the entire moment, be inconvenienced by plot events, put a character in a position where they didn’t have a say in the plan
but if they won’t, and if they’re still trying to speed-plan the literal end of the game, then allow retroactive planning pls
I realized I was doing that thing I often do, especially with things I particularly love, where I put off finishing. things. just, at all. because if I do, they end? I feel obligated to have a final opinion or write a review or something. but mostly, they end. sometimes never having closure feels easier.
it’s a dumb bad habit, and I hate it
but perhaps the solution was not to stay up until 10 a.m. the next morning finishing the series
I feel like I am basically just dead
#I also watched one reaction/slash analysis of Scanlan's 9th level spell to confirm that I saw what I thought I saw #I did; it was what made the end of the show for me #and then I had to watch the Talks Machina because I needed some sort of wind down #some closure for my closure if you will #but now I have maybe more feels about it than the entire last two episodes #everything about me is a mistake #time for a nap #Juu watches #Critical Role
one of the more minor details I noticed in the end-of-the-campaign chatter/interviews/etc is that the “we’re so excited that other people are playing DnD because of us”/”everyone should try playing DnD” message has shifted in tone
they used to heavily encourage playing in-person with friends; they’ve broadened to implicitly include (gasp!) playing online, and in the DM Tips retrospective Mercer talked about the benefit of online networking, Roll20, etc
coincident with discussions, esp. in the pre-ep. 114 interviews, about how the CR cast’s friendship has changed; that before filming they were all friends-of-friends and gamed sometimes, but filming weekly gave them an opportunity that they wouldn’t normally have to see each other regularly, and to deepen their friendship/family dynamic
absolutely possible that I am reading to much into this and/or that there’s parts of the conversation I’ve missed in the various interviews/Talks Machinas I haven’t seen, but the general undercurrent seems to be that close group friendships are actually hard to develop, and that they realize they’re lucky, and encourage any tool or venue that allows anyone to approach that sort of interaction
that “play in person with friends” thing used to bug the shit out of me. not that it’s not well-intended? but “do a group activity with meat-friends” is not an option for some people. like chronically-crazy shut-ins with small social circles made up of people on the other side of the internet, i.e. me
I really want to play DnD. and have been looking at things like Roll20 & making myself sad. in part b/c my standards & desires aren’t feasible, but, honestly, mostly because even “do a group activity with a curated selection of online people” isn’t possible for me. I’m too crazy to do that networking, and in indefinite-time-period will probably be too crazy to play.
I think a hell of a lot about this ridiculous post: I had a friend who was kin with mimes and was sad that they couldn’t be a mime and I don’t know why they realized they couldn’t go out and become a mime
not all of us can become mimes, Bob
not all of us can live our dreams, not just because self-pity and inertia are easier—which they are—and sort of tempting in a guilty, self-indulgent way—also true
but because we can’t do the work of making ourselves happy
so, like, the broader approach that the CR folks have gained from their own experience and, undoubtedly, interaction with the vast community & the number of DnD games that have spawned within it soothes a sore part in my soul
but I’m still mad; at me, this time.
Future-Juu ETA: 5 months later I did active work to find online groups & then everything felt apart because my dad was actively dying, so this issue is forever unresolved and I! don't like it!
That's it! That's The End! apologies for the dash-clog.
no subject
Date: 2018-12-20 06:22 am (UTC)YOUR TAGS ABOUT ARTAGAN STRANGLING VAX ARE PERFECT and also perfectly articulate what i was also feeling while watching that scene. even matt's responses to the cast after the fact! "it made sense for him at the time!" he was not wrong!! and it was a delight and amazing to see play out, and i love vax's relationship with death. it was definitely one of my favourite parts toward the end of the campaign.
while reading your commentary on vax and the raven queen, i was also wondering if you watched the talks machina for the final episode as well as the fireside chat (esp for liam talking about becoming fate-touched and his reluctance, his upset at that where matt thought it was a gift, and him growing into that)—but i finally just read that you did. it's still something that i think about a lot, thinking about that final arc with vax's character.
(and also: i cried so much when vax finally died. his goodbye. the druidcraft and feathers and his mother's pride. i did not expect to cry. because i had so few people to talk about critical role with—and because i had fallen out of the habit of in-depth liveblogging—at times i felt very detached from the show, from the characters. or like i was not as invested as i actually was, because i had so few people to process it with—which, when i did talk to people, i realize that no, i had a lot of feelings about critical role! but god did i sob and have to take a break before the rest of the epilogue.)
i briefly read the end of this post days ago and i keep mentally revisiting it. largely because i wanted to offer the fact that my local friends play dnd, and i've started to actually play with them recently. and i'm really enjoying it. their current campaign is very easy to duck in and out of; your character is on an island that there was a previous exodus from over a hundred years ago, and they join a guild that formed there that is intent on exploring the island and discovering why. and you sign up for individual expeditions (one session = one expedition), so it's actually... great for when you aren't able to play all the time.
the campaign is currently planned to end next year, but they do actually have friends that call in for it, including some of the DMs (using either discord/facebook messenger). currently it's hosted on facebook/obsidian portal (my friends know to message me on other platforms, thankfully), but, they have a new campaign in the works for when this one ends. and that new campaign will be hosted on discord.
my friend del, one of the DMs, told me a little bit about it. but because of its being hosted on discord, i thought that maybe, if you would be interested, you could play in the future. most of us are some variety of queer and brain-crazy, and all wonderful and accommodating people. there's no pressure to say yes to any of this, but i figured it was worth mentioning, at least.
no subject
Date: 2018-12-20 02:40 pm (UTC)That Artagan scene when it came up in your recent reblogs recalled all of my memories; it's .. such a lot. If I was still putting energy into Tumblr, I would have reblogged it and been the same mess all over again.
I wish we could have more immediate convos about Critical Role, that there weren't so many obstacles (like the fact that I haven't had the wherewithal to start the second campaign yet! which ... is a not-insignificant hurdle; but also it's just such a lot of show, it's hard to sync conversations about it esp. without spoilers). I found it weird to process, too. It's such a heightened/engaging experience, this long high-energy fictional thing; easy to get lost in, in positive AND negative ways. I'm glad Missy let me yell recaps at him; it was how I kept track of my own feelings.
Anyway. Tentative yes re: that DnD group. The project of "actually play the damn thing" is something I want to take up again once I feel able to do so. I don't know when that will be, TBH, but 1) hopefully before too much longer, and 2) this sounds like a stellar atmosphere for it. I'd appreciate being kept in mind and/or updated as details come together. The worst thing it can do is encourage me or make the process easier, and that seems like a good thing!
I really appreciate the offer.
And I'm glad you've been having fun playing! I remember when you had lukewarm success with your first attempts at playing DnD, so I'm glad it's turned out for the better. It really sounds like a fantastic atmosphere & structure.
no subject
Date: 2018-12-20 02:52 pm (UTC)Vax actually dying didn't upset me so much, because of the grace with which it was handled, because it was so inevitable in his relationship with the Raven Queen. Scanlan/Sam upset me a lot--what makes fictional deaths really work for me is seeing how characters react, and this was the perfect marriage of character to player/Vox Machina to group of friends playing game, and really hammered home why the thing mattered.
This was the reaction/breakdown vid I watched, FWIW.
The Talks Machina wrap-up was SO satisfying on a trillion levels (Scanlan's letter to Pike! talk about follow-through!), but how DM/Matt affected Vax/Liam was...
There's a lot of elements which, if it weren't live, would feel scripted; and then there's the reminder that there is still writing. Matt writing narrative, writing opening gambits; players writing narrative in response. A lot of the glimpses into Matt's processes and the various secret histories were so much fun, but for me it was the origin of the Raven Queen arc that wrapped up Vax's story. I guess that's what I'm stumbling towards: Vax's death was impactful, but that retrospective look at the course of his life and how it was influenced by the players was what gave me the real sense of closure and feeling.